"In Washington State, elementary school teacher
Mary Kay LeTourneau pleaded guilty to having
sex with a sixth-grade student.... Miss
LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or
as the kids refer to her, 'the greatest teacher of all
time.'"
"Anna Nicole Smith was admitted to a hospital after she aparently collasped
after she realized she had sex with this man." [Shows a picture of her
80-year-old husband.]"
" ... or so the Germans would have us believe."
"Scientists have successfully cloned a frog without a head. Next, they plan to
clone a human without a head, for organ transplants... not to mention give me
horriffic nightmares for the rest of my life."
"This week, after months of speculation, the sitcom star
Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by
her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted
that he is really, really, really, really gay."
"And that just proves my theory: Germans *love* David
Hasselhoff."
"Carni Wilson, formerly of Wilson Phillips says that her talk show will be
different than other talk shows, in that she will treat her guests with respect
and dignity. And then she will eat them."
"Kenny G released his Christmas album this week. Happy birthday, Jesus ...
hope you like crap!"
"The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law allowing the blind to
hunt deer. The biggest supporters of the new law? THE DEER."
"The Artist Formerly Known as Prince is now going by just 'The Artist.'
Despite this, I will still refer to him as, 'The Fruit.' "
"Attorney General Janet Reno charged Microsoft with trying to monopolize
access to the Internet and has asked a federal court to fine the company a
million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Bill Gates will be broke
just 10 years after the earth crashes into the sun."
"Thurman Thomas has just broken a few of OJ's records recently. He now
leads the Bills in touchdowns, and yards. Next up.... killing three people at
once."
"He's disabled. Plus, he's the President. Can you imagine the parking spot this
guy has?"
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